I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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