The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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