tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
where am i from again
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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