you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
