apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
