I could have mohawked her pubes.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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