I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
