I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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