I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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