i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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