you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
