i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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