I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
