this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
