You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
