Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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