I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
