I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
