I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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