Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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