I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
