I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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