im six kinds of drunk right now
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
