Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You ate ashes out of my bong
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
