My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
