I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
