I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
