I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Randomize
