yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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