i just had sex bonerless
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I supernannyed him into submission
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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