Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
