My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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