if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
