Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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