If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
