I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Everything about him screamed your future.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
