I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
