Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
