I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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