i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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