I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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