Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Less talking, more tequila
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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