Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
