I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
