I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
