Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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