I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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