You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
