Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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