I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
