I'm going to jail i love you
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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