party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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