Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
