69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
